


moon contraparallel mars, libra mars in 12th house

by disinvxltura



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Minor Hazel Levesque/Frank Zhang, Social Media, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 17:46:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15466731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disinvxltura/pseuds/disinvxltura
Summary: Nico has a habit of running.or: college/coffee shop au where nico is conflict avoidant, jason is an innocent in this mess, and hazel is Done™





	moon contraparallel mars, libra mars in 12th house

**Author's Note:**

> this is not a happy fic. moreover, this is deeply personal and i don't expect it to be in character.
> 
> despite how it ends, this is about real experiences, and more often than not, it doesn't end happy. don't fool yourself into thinking that this is how you should go about these kinds of things; while i do this, i know full well that it is not healthy.
> 
> about title (hover for cursor, tap for no cursor):

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

yo, do you think wizards use condoms? like, they use muggle tech, but then again, they still use imperial

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

i should really be sketching ideas for my project, but you know what? these are Pressing Matters™

 

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

wizards fuck people raw, more at eleven

 

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

okay, who even cares about wizards fucking anymore, the cutest boy just walked in

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

his name is jason and he likes his hot chocolate with whipped cream. sound the wedding bells.

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

like, the joke here is that he’s probably straight. or just fucking trash. but fuck it, let me have this b/c i’m never gonna act on it lmao

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

so, he’s either a college student or a writer b/c he pulled out a laptop but i’m assuming he’s a college student b/c he also has a huge textbook out

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

i don’t even know his age, he could be a grad student

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

i’m trying not to stare, but like… if you saw him, you’d know exactly why i’m freaking out over some guy at the nearby cafe

 

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

wish i was taking my photography course so i could bullshit a reason why i’m taking a photo of him b/c boy’s handsome as hell and the way the laptop lights his face is fucking intriguing as shit

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

i’m gay and i like art, sue me

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

FUCKING SHIT I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

I DIDN’T THOUGH B/C I’M A FUCKING GENIUS HOLY SHIT

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

should my heart be pounding this hard, like i’m a spy and i almost got captured

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

i’d let him capture me any day though

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

fuck it i’m gonna text my sis a pic all jokey and shit like “yo, do you know this hot guy a few tables away fucking hook me up lmao”

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

my sister fucking left me on read, what the fuck

_[Attached is a screenshot of iMessage. At the top is “Hazel ♥”_

_blue text: {photo of a blond guy hunched over a laptop} you better not know this guy b/c that’s my future husband and i will be so pissed if you didn’t set me up with him_

_The text hasn’t been responded to, but has been read.]_

 

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

OH MYF CUING GOD

 

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

I HAVE OLLIED THE FUCK OUTIE HOLY SFUCKING SHIT

 

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

OKAY so some of you are asking what the hell happened, so thread time

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

so, my sister read my text. and APPARENTLY, she did know the guy

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

(how the hell she does is beyond me since she’s in a different college)

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

how do i know this? easy: maybe a minute after she read my text, the guy’s phone vibrates

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

sure, that could have been a coincidence, but a few seconds after his phone started vibrating, i got a text from her that was simply a winky face

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

the gears started turning in my head.

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

the guy looks at his phone. a good moment or two of grumbling, probably about how someone interrupted his work (same)

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

AND THEN HE STARTED LOOKING AROUND

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

so, you know i had to get the FUCK outta there

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

like, the text i sent to my sis was just a joke, you know? like “here’s this hot guy i saw”

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

i didn’t think she would actually know him

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

anyway, i shoved my stuff in my bag and fled the scene

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

holy fucking shit, i was scared. and nervous, but mostly scared.

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

i don’t think i can ever go back there

 

**allison play desperado** @amxretto ⋅ February 2

so, i think my sis is mad at me

_[Another screenshot of iMessage, this time under the wink emoticon is a new message from the other person:_

_gray text: NICO WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU HE CAN’T FIND YOU_

_blue text: yeah, so…_

_blue text: i might’ve left_

_gray text: GOD DAMN IT NICO HE’S NICE_

_gray text: IF I WASN’T IN LOVE WITH FRANK, I MIGHT’VE HAD A CRUSH ON HIM_

_The text hasn’t been responded to.]_

 

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

okay, so i’m back on my bullshit. i went back to the cafe.

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

you try to take away my caramel macchiato away from me, just you fucking try it

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

anyway, here’s to hoping cute guy isn’t around here b/c i feel like i might die if he sees me

 

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

OH FUCK HE JUST CAME IN

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

HE’S IN LINE NOW

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

FUCK FUCK FUCK, I ALREADY SET A PRECEDENT, DIDN’T I?

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

I GOTTA LEAVE BEFORE HE SEES ME

 

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

i can’t stop giggling i’m so high on adrenaline

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

i don’t think he saw me, though??

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

i’ve got no clue, i was too busy trying not to look at him and act like i’m just some random person, not the guy who was staring at him… a week ago?

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 8

anyway, this is my life lmao

 

**use heelies to escape your feelies** @amxretto ⋅ February 9

sometimes, you just gotta give yourself the middle finger

 

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

fuck me sideways, former future husband just sat down in front of me

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

fucking… should i stay or should i go

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

like, he’s cute, and i mean… i really do want to kiss him

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

AND HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT NOTICE HE CAME IN

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

but like… no. i don’t wanna deal with shit like “why did you leave the past few times” b/c i don’t wanna fucking tell him that yeah, he’s cute, but no.

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

i didn’t actually want my sister to text him and tell him that i think he’s cute. i had no plans on doing anything about it

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

and sure, love at first sight exists and shit, but??? i don’t really care about relationships that much.

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

it’s just never been a priority to me, and that’s not going to change, and i don’t know how to explain that

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

how do you say that even though you’ve had multiple crushes, you don’t give a shit about actually doing anything? how do you say that you’d rather be alone, even though you daydream about being with your crush?

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

b/c i have no fucking clue

 

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

okay, fuck it. small talk feels stilted.

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

might be because i refuse to talk to him, but i mean… i gotta send him a message somehow

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

i’m leaving

 

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

i’m such an asshole lmao

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

so, when i get up to leave, the guy’s like, “hey, why do you keep avoiding me?”

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

and i’m like, “... i’m not. i have a class soon.”

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

he goes, “bullshit. you keep leaving as soon as you notice that i’m here.”

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

and he’s right, but like hell if i’m gonna let him know that.

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

so i say, “i told you, i have a class soon. if i stay any longer, i’m going to be late. will you fucking let me leave?”

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

and he finally lets me go and i’ve been buzzing ever since

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

i’m still jittery lmao

 

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 12

maybe he’ll get it through his head that he wouldn’t want to be around me

 

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 13

why do i feel so empty

 

**super dead forever** @amxretto ⋅ February 13

i forgot to show you guys this

_[Yet another screenshot of the text conversation with Hazel:_

_gray text: Nico, why are you doing this?_

_gray text: Nico. I know you saw that._

_gray text: Stop ignoring me. Actually, stop ignoring your problems, full stop._

_gray text: Fine. I can’t make you, even though I wish I could slap you so that you’d see that you’re not only hurting yourself, but everyone else you got involved.]_

 

***joan jett voice* i hate myself** @amxretto ⋅ February 14

i saw him today.

***joan jett voice* i hate myself** @amxretto ⋅ February 14

and i know he saw me too, but he didn’t stay. he just left.

***joan jett voice* i hate myself** @amxretto ⋅ February 14

why do i feel so sad? this is what i wanted, isn’t it? to be left alone?

***joan jett voice* i hate myself** @amxretto ⋅ February 14

whatever. i don’t care.

 

**give me death** @amxretto ⋅ February 15

_[Photo attachment:_

_gray text: Please stop making yourself suffer like this._

_gray text: I want you to be happy.]_

 

**give me death** @amxretto ⋅ February 16

i can’t really bring myself to feel

**give me death** @amxretto ⋅ February 16

and that’s probably really bad, but at the same time, i don’t care?

**give me death** @amxretto ⋅ February 16

i just… is there a point? is there really a point to anything?

 

**give me death** @amxretto ⋅ February 16

lmao i’m okay! i’m fine now. happily munching on some pizza from the union.

**give me death** @amxretto ⋅ February 16

god, the pizza is so good. i love it. i’m gonna build a shrine to his university’s pizza. make it a whole fucking religion.

**give me death** @amxretto ⋅ February 16

_[makeareligionoutofthat.png]_

 

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 18

why did she do this

_[Attached is a screenshot of a text, not from Hazel, but from a number that’s been blocked out._

_gray text: Hey, this is Jason. Hazel gave me your number._

_gray text: And I know I might be crossing a line, but I know that you were interested. And I’m only pushing because you’re cute, if a bit prickly._

_gray text: If you’re not interested anymore, that’s fine. I’ll leave you be. Just let me know, okay?]_

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 18

why am i doing this to myself

_[Continued from the last post:_

_blue text: i’m not interested._

_gray text: Oh. Okay.]_

 

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 18

HOLY SHIT

_[Back to the convo with Hazel._

_gray text: NICO WHAT DID YOU JUST DO_

_gray text: WHY DID JASON TEXT ME SAYING THAT YOU REJECTED HIM???_

_gray text: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, NICO, THIS BETTER BE SOME KIND OF STUPID MISUNDERSTANDING.]_

 

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 18

i fucked up.

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 18

whatever. he had to learn sometime that i was only going to hurt him.

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 18

there’s a reason why my last relationship fell apart

 

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 18

fuck, i want to cry

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 18

i don’t want to feel like this

 

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 19

_[Photo attachment:_

_grey text: Nico, I am so pissed at you. I hope you know that._

_gray text: I love you, but you always do this._

_gray text: Why do you want to hurt yourself? Why do you want to make yourself suffer? Am I doing something wrong?]_

 

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 19

i don’t want to feel anymore

 

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 19

i fucking hate myself, i can’t stop doing this

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 19

and it’s worse because i feel so good??? like, i’m hollow, but i’m… not satisfied, that’s not the word.

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 19

schadenfreude. that’s what i’m going for.

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 19

i’m hurting, but so is everyone else. and that makes me happy? but i’m not happy.

**ideas are just screaming gays** @amxretto ⋅ February 19

i’m just bringing everyone down. and that makes me delighted.

 

**fuck everything** @amxretto ⋅ February 20

will everything just go away

 

**fuck everything** @amxretto ⋅ February 22

_[Photo attachment:_

_gray text: I told him to talk to you. Text him and get this sorted out._

_gray text: You don’t need to run from everything because you’re scared of emotions._

_gray text: If things go even more south, I’m done. You dug this hole, and if you won’t take my help, I’ll stop trying to get you out of it._

_gray text: You’re not the only one who gets hurt when you do something stupid, as much as you like to think that you’re separate from everyone else._

_gray text: Your actions have consequences.]_

 

**fuck everything** @amxretto ⋅ February 22

okay, i texted him. if he doesn’t respond, i can’t blame him.

**fuck everything** @amxretto ⋅ February 22

at least i can tell her that i tried

 

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

fuck, i really screwed up.

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

like, i knew i screwed up. i’ve known from the start.

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

but i couldn’t let anyone know what was really going on in my head, you know?

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

i know i dug my own grave. i was prepared to let things get worse so that things could finally get better, and we would all move on

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

that’s what always happens

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

and… i don’t know if i really want to do this. i’m only doing this because hazel told me to.

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

do i even care? will i care?

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

my first reaction is to say “of course i don’t! i don’t give a shit about anything.”

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

but is that true? or is that just what i want to believe?

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

i’m waiting for him now, but i keep getting the thought to walk away and leave him behind

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

but i guess i feel beholden to stay b/c of hazel, so that’s what i’m doing.

**i don’t know what i’ve done to me** @amxretto ⋅ February 23

shit, he’s here. here’s to hoping i don’t invoke his and hazel’s wrath.

 

**next stop: emotionville** @amxretto ⋅ February 24

i can’t stop fcuking crsying

**next stop: emotionville** @amxretto ⋅ February 24

i don’t deserve this kind of patience

**next stop: emotionville** @amxretto ⋅ February 24

he’s fucking mad. i could hear it in his voice. he was PISSED.

**next stop: emotionville** @amxretto ⋅ February 24

and i guess i deserve it.

**next stop: emotionville** @amxretto ⋅ February 24

but he’s giving me a second chance?? i really don’t understand.

**next stop: emotionville** @amxretto ⋅ February 24

i put him through so much shit, he should’ve just dropped me. or not even show up.

**next stop: emotionville** @amxretto ⋅ February 24

and i know i’m gonna fuck up again. i can’t communicate for shit, so that’s a given.

**next stop: emotionville** @amxretto ⋅ February 24

i just… i’m happy? but confsued. what did i do to deserve this

 

**gotta fuck ‘em allllllll** @amxretto ⋅ March 25

if i can get my shit together, so can you. it’s worth it.

_[Photo attachments:_

_The first picture is of a blond with thick frame glasses is sitting across from the camera, highlighting something in his book. The second is of the same blond looking at the camera, grinning.]_

**gotta fuck ‘em allllllll** @amxretto ⋅ March 25

it’s not going to be easy. it’ll never be easy. but it’s possible, and if you want it enough, you’ll put in the effort.

**gotta fuck ‘em allllllll** @amxretto ⋅ March 25

letting people in is hard, especially when you’ve been pushed away your entire life.

**gotta fuck ‘em allllllll** @amxretto ⋅ March 25

but there is going to be someone who’s not going to stop b/c they care about you.

**gotta fuck ‘em allllllll** @amxretto ⋅ March 25

the thought of people caring about you might be scary. if you’re anything like me, it will be.

**gotta fuck ‘em allllllll** @amxretto ⋅ March 25

this isn’t a happy ending; for all i know, this could crash and burn. i can’t tell you what the future holds.

**gotta fuck ‘em allllllll** @amxretto ⋅ March 25

but it’s a happy now, and that’s all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to follow me on twitter [@carterhxrt](https://twitter.com/carterhxrt)


End file.
